Chicago Invite: Can't Get No Respect, Day 1

Written by Jonesy, Edited (loosely) by the Bello

Each year in March, a special sporting event comes around that captivates and inspires our great nation. Sixty-four teams from across the country are selected to participate in this mother of all tournaments. After seedings are established, the inevitable banter of which teams got the short end of the stick and who is going to win it all ensues. This refers, of course, to none other than the annual Chicago Invite, held in Naperville, IL. Like a redheaded stepchild, Ghetto Force got no love when the seedings were established for this colossal Ultimate tournament. After getting jerked around from being a top seed in a non-power pool to being a four seed in a power pool, Ghetto was finally given a metaphorical slap to the family jewels and positioned as the second seed in a non-power pool. This starting position meant that Ghetto would have to sweep their pool play as well as win their crossover game to even be allowed to compete in the championship bracket. Anything less would relegate the team to a 17^th place finish at best. After letting loose a few choice words describing the character (or lack thereof) of the tournament director who placed Ghetto in such a predicament, the team pinned their collective ears back and prepared to feast on the competition that was laid out on a silver platter before them.

DAYTON 13, LOYOLA-CHICAGO 6

Ghetto’s first opponent of the day was to be the something-or-other’s of Loyola-Chicago. The ground was firm, the air was 30, and Ghetto was ready to show the flatlanders how Ultimate was really played. It became clear early on that Ghetto was a force that Loyola simply could not stop, but rather one they could only hope to contain. A beautifully manufactured up-wind break on the first point of the game set the tone, and Ghetto never looked back. Even with Loyola being one of “those teams” with one of “those coaches” who interferes with calls from the sidelines and wears a hat that is only appropriate for a person about to embark on a safari, Ghetto was clearly the superior team not only athletically, but also tactically. Loyola had no answer for Ghetto’s the zone-D, the cornerstone of which was the scary good marks put on by veteran handlers Zack “shaved his beard a week too early” Kaylor and Alex “my warm up jog is back to the car to get my cleats” Frasz. Despite the wind forcing Ghetto into a point trading scenario in the middle, the game was never in question, and Ghetto would coast to an easy 13 – 6 win to start the day.

DAYTON 9, VALPARAISO 6:

The Force’s second opponent of the day was to be the fighting one-legged lemurs of Valparaiso University. Ghetto’s greatest challenge in this game was not their opponent, but rather the cold-hearted wench known as Mother Nature. The gusts whipping across the Naperville Polo Grounds had picked up substantially, and while Ghetto was clearly the far superior Ultimate team on the field, the wind would prove to be a great equalizer, forcing Ghetto into a close contest. As in the first game, an upwind break gave Ghetto the lead early on. With Valpo’s defense having their hands more than full with Jeff “quack honk” Geise and Butters cutting on the inside, freshman Marky Mark Fedorenko was extremely opportunistic cutting from the outside. M-Fed tore up the Valpo D like the highway tears up an orange dropped from a car at 60-mph. The game was most memorable for a point that may or may not have been the longest point ever played in Ghetto Force’s great history. Eyewitness accounts claim that the point lasted roughly the average gestation period of an African elephant (look it up). The point included obscene amounts of turnovers, sloppy drops by nearly everyone on the field, Jonesy getting punched in the face, and many other bizarre mishaps. It all ended when Valpo finally was able to score a heavily downwind goal, but this would prove to be inconsequential. The length of the point combined with Valpo’s complete and utter helplessness against Ghetto’s zone D led to a 9 – 6 victory for Ghetto in hard cap.

DAYTON 12, St. OLAF 7:

Ghetto’s final pool play game of the day was to be against what appeared to be a crop of die-hard Duke’s of Hazzard fanatics, judging from their Confederate flag adorned uniforms. The top seed in Ghetto’s pool (St. Olaf) looked to be formidable early on, but in the end the south would not rise again. Not intimidated by Shamu tattoos or absurd spiral haircuts, Ghetto Force went to work on yet another upwind break to start the game. Once again Ghetto’s zone-D, like Ulysses S. Grant’s Army of the Potomac, was a great force to be reckoned with. At one point mid-game, the rebels appeared to have devised an effective strategy of very short, up field dump passes between handlers as a means by which to advance the disc. Upon realization of this meager attempt at offense, Patrick “Peaches” Kaufmann decided to end St.Olaf’s fun. With the power and conviction of a true yankee, Peaches smacked down a would be forward dump pass with such power that several opponents began whimpering in fear. Needless to say, the strategy would not be attempted again. Overall, St. Olaf was forced to endure their own version of Gettysburg at the hands of Ghetto Force, and Ghetto took the battle 12 – 7 in hard cap.

DAYTON 13, MISSOURI St. 4:

The Force had but one more victory to obtain in order to earn their way into the championship bracket. The next item on the menu for Ghetto Force; Missouri St. (Different from Missouri S&T, confusing I know). Ghetto was expecting a formidable opponent, as Missouri St. had come from a “power” pool. However, the cross over would prove to be Ghetto’s easiest challenge of the day. Ghetto rolled in a game highlighted by stifling zone D, the ever present Phil to Scottie huck on for a score on the first throw, and a disgusting layout grab by Butters for the winning score on a huck from Peg (The debate as to whether Peg was even looking up field when he released said huck still rages on). Needless to say, Ghetto rolled to their fourth and final victory of the day easily, taking the cross over 13 – 4.

With a spotless day 1 in the books, Ghetto returned to their respective houses to feast, and (at Dorn’s house anyway) receive 5-star quality professional massages. Ghetto went to bed Saturday night with thoughts of further domination filing their sweet sweet dreams.

Boogie Nights: Winning, Duh!

Written By Jonsey, Edited (loosely) By the Bello

Boogie Nights, a tournament hosted by Miami University is a firm staple in Ghetto Force’s spring schedule each year. The tournament is unique because it offers a cash prize of $200 for 1st place, however the long standing trend has been that the Miami University Alumni always win the tournament and "donate" the money back to the Miami team. Ghetto like a pack of vatican assassins vowed to crush this tradition, stripping the Alumni of their longstanding hold of the title and claim the prize money.

Xavier- Y: 13-9

Ghetto Force’s first challenger of the day was Xavier-Y. Until recently, Xavier Ultimate was most well known for not having a team name (even though virtually every other ultimate team does), and simply being know as “Xavier Ultimate,” an accurate reflection of such a bland university to be sure. Recently Xavier adopted the name “Blob” (or something stupid like that). However, after the events of the weekend a more accurate name would perhaps be “Xavier; tournament ruiners”. Little did Ghetto know it would start Boogie Nights off by exacting a little pre-emptive revenge on Xavier for messing up the second day of the tournament.

Ghetto came out very flat against Xavier Y, and allowed a team that epitomized mediocrity to hang around for the majority of the game. However, even without playing their best, Ghetto’s quality and quantity of talent proved too much for Xavier to handle. Perhaps still experiencing the hangover of their basketball team being upset by Jonesy’s future alma mater Marquette the night before, Xavier had no answer for the phenomenal cutting tandem of Alan “Butters” Smith and Jeff “I love Friday more than Rebecca Black does” Geise. Ghetto took the sloppy game 13 – 9.

John Carrol: 13-7

Ghetto’s next opponent, John Carrol, proved significantly more formidable. However, Ghetto was able to increase their level of play by an even greater factor. John Carrol was a quite gilded opponent; two or three stud players carrying a crew of fairly average ones. Ghetto came out strong early and the game was never truly in question. The most memorable point of the game came when Carrol made the tremendously questionable decision of throwing zone against Ghetto’s pristine handler set, without any significant wind to aid their defense. After a muffed pull that rolled 10 yards behind the handlers, Ghetto went to work on a point that was a thing of ultimate beauty. An initial swing and a throw through the cup started Ghetto’s march down field with perfect flow, rarely allowing their opponents to so much as begin a stall count. Ghetto shredded the would-be zone, and took what was surely less than 30 seconds to grab a score and take half. From there Ghetto would cruise to an easy 13 – 7 win.

Ruckus: 13-9

The third game of the day was Ghetto’s chance to break seed and snatch a first round bye for day 2 of Boogie Nights. Their opponent; the alumni team Ruckus. Alumni teams can be tremendously frustrating even for top caliber college teams to compete against. Despite college teams having a huge edge in terms of athleticism and conditioning, alumni teams usually have throwing ability from top to bottom that is top notch. Ghetto knew it was in for a tough game against a highly veteran team. With Frasz’s and Butters parents watching from the sidelines, Ghetto not only had seed to play for, but some parents that they needed to impress ($$$). They would not disappoint. Despite the high degree of skill and experience that Ruckus boasted, Ghetto’s raw athletic ability proved to be the greater strength. Adam Tardio summoned his inner cookie monster all game long, gobbling up D after D in an impressive showing. Alex Frasz summoned his inner Terrell Owens on a point in the first half, streaking downfield and raising his hand in the air as if to say “Throw me the gosh darn disc!!”. The run and catch was so beautiful that Alex’s father was quoted in a post game interviews as saying (with tears in his eyes) “For the first time in my life, I feel that I can be mildly proud of my son”. The true exclamation point on the game, however, came from none other than El Capitan, Alan “Butters” Smith. With Ghetto holding the lead late in the game, Ruckus put together a run of impressive points and cut Ghetto’s previously comfortable lead down to just 3. After a turntover by Ghetto, Ruckus had the disc just short of the goal line. As can always be expected from alumni teams, a break-side hammer was thrown in an attempt to cut Ghetto’s lead to just two. The throw was well executed, and looked to be floating perfectly to Ruckus’ very tall and very skilled top cutter. However, out of nowhere, Butters decided he wasn’t going to allow any hammer shenanigans to take place on his field. Leaping into the air higher than any Caucasian should be able to, Butters raised his hand in the air and smacked the lame duck hammer down to the ground in a spike that (insert name of famous volleyball player here) would be proud of. Ghetto used this tremendous play to steal the momentum and cruise to another 13 – 9 victory, taking out the #1 seed in their pool.

Youngstown State: 13-2

Ghetto Force’s final game of the day was hardly their most competitive. Before the game commenced, captain Phil Brodrick had a hunch the team Ghetto would be playing was anything but a high-level opponent. This hunch stemmed from the fact that the opponent (Youngstown State) was comprised of just 8 players, the most athletic of which was halfway through a fifth of Southern Comfort, and the most annoying of which was sporting a chef’s hat. Despite playing what was probably their worst game of the weekend, Ghetto took an ugly 13 – 2 victory to end the day.

After conducting the contract mandated press conferences and interviews in the locker room, Ghetto returned to a part of Ohio that actually has AT&T 3G coverage. With a spotless record on Day 1, Ghetto was confident they could contend for the 2011 Boggie Nights championship.

Winning: Day 2

Written & Edited by the Bello

Day two started with Ghetto enjoying a first round bye, which allowed Ghetto to play its first match at the luxurious 10:45 time slot. Ghetto Force competed in Day Two like Kim Jong Il plays a round of golf...winning by a ridiculous margins.

Miami: 15-9

Ghetto's first match of the day would be against rival Miami. As a result of Xavier withdrawing one of its two teams from tournament play on the second day, forcing Miami to split its squad into two teams in order to maintain the tournament schedule. Despite this blow to Miami's team the show must go on , Ghetto set the tone early getting 2 break points thanks to a well timed Ghetto offense. Miami answered back by capitalizing on offense for two points. However despite Miami's efforts Ghetto Force easily took half. During the second half Ghetto lost a little intensity and focus resulting in trading points and allowing Miami to get a couple break points. Luckily Miami picked a fight with a team full of warlocks and Ghetto was able to refocus and reclaim domination of the disc ending the game 15-9.

Xavier Alumni: 15-9

With the Miami team disposed of, Ghetto had its sights on the next opponent...an Alumni team. While facing an Alumni team in the semi's may seem like a blessing, Ghetto knew that this bread of team especially a team composed of recently graduated Xavier all-star Alumni may have the potential to be a serious threat. Alumni teams are known to be wild beasts as they bate throws with a poaching defense and are known to have an arsenal of perfect cross field hammers and pinpoint throws. However Alumni teams lack one thing that Ghetto excels and that is conditioning. Ghetto came out hard and strong against the Xavier Alumni setting the tone that Ghetto would not be an easily fooled team sending the message loud and clear to the Alumni that "you cant process me with a normal brain". The Force was able to get a handful of breaks in the first half and allowed for a point cushion that was more a psychological weapon then a dictation of how the game was going. Ghetto was able to contain the speed

Ohio Northern University: 15-0

The third game was a classic example of simple logic--Ohio Northern University multiplied by the power of nOOb is less than Ghetto Force A or B, Having just played a close but well controlled game against Xavier Alumni, Ghetto was rested and energized for the Championship match that had a free tournament bid next year and $200. However Ohio Northern (Darkside) was coming off a close fought game, that came down to universe point against University of Cincinnati, resulting in an exhausted Darkside. Ghetto allowed ONU to catch its breath, starting the game 15 min later than the tournament schedule. From the first offensive possession, ONU threw its infamous vertical offense but Dayton's defensive play sent the message loud and clear to "park your nonsense". Simply by not allowing the handler break, the ONU stack was powerless against tight marks that were put on by the Ghetto defense. After several early unanswered breaks ONU's play continued to spiral down, Darkside players began bickering and making silly desperation cross field hammers that only an Alumni team might have the chance to pull off. Ghetto had no problem taking half with still ONU not coming close to scoring. The second half was a rookie spotlight game. Players like Troy, Token, Marc, Josh and Peaches each made huge impacts on the game. Strong defensive efforts like Token d-ing a very dangerous endzone throw, ensured that Ghetto stonewalled ONU. Ghetto easily reach 15 points while OU scored a very worthy 0 points.

Ghetto never allowed a team to score more than 9 points throughout the entire weekend. Leaving $200 richer Ghetto dominated Boogie Nights like Charlie Sheen dominates horrible sitcoms, Ghetto now has its sights set on the Chicago Invite. Follow the scores here.

Stay tuned for Recap of the Chicago Invite next week