Chicago Invite: Can't Get No Respect, Day 1

Written by Jonesy, Edited (loosely) by the Bello

Each year in March, a special sporting event comes around that captivates and inspires our great nation. Sixty-four teams from across the country are selected to participate in this mother of all tournaments. After seedings are established, the inevitable banter of which teams got the short end of the stick and who is going to win it all ensues. This refers, of course, to none other than the annual Chicago Invite, held in Naperville, IL. Like a redheaded stepchild, Ghetto Force got no love when the seedings were established for this colossal Ultimate tournament. After getting jerked around from being a top seed in a non-power pool to being a four seed in a power pool, Ghetto was finally given a metaphorical slap to the family jewels and positioned as the second seed in a non-power pool. This starting position meant that Ghetto would have to sweep their pool play as well as win their crossover game to even be allowed to compete in the championship bracket. Anything less would relegate the team to a 17^th place finish at best. After letting loose a few choice words describing the character (or lack thereof) of the tournament director who placed Ghetto in such a predicament, the team pinned their collective ears back and prepared to feast on the competition that was laid out on a silver platter before them.

DAYTON 13, LOYOLA-CHICAGO 6

Ghetto’s first opponent of the day was to be the something-or-other’s of Loyola-Chicago. The ground was firm, the air was 30, and Ghetto was ready to show the flatlanders how Ultimate was really played. It became clear early on that Ghetto was a force that Loyola simply could not stop, but rather one they could only hope to contain. A beautifully manufactured up-wind break on the first point of the game set the tone, and Ghetto never looked back. Even with Loyola being one of “those teams” with one of “those coaches” who interferes with calls from the sidelines and wears a hat that is only appropriate for a person about to embark on a safari, Ghetto was clearly the superior team not only athletically, but also tactically. Loyola had no answer for Ghetto’s the zone-D, the cornerstone of which was the scary good marks put on by veteran handlers Zack “shaved his beard a week too early” Kaylor and Alex “my warm up jog is back to the car to get my cleats” Frasz. Despite the wind forcing Ghetto into a point trading scenario in the middle, the game was never in question, and Ghetto would coast to an easy 13 – 6 win to start the day.

DAYTON 9, VALPARAISO 6:

The Force’s second opponent of the day was to be the fighting one-legged lemurs of Valparaiso University. Ghetto’s greatest challenge in this game was not their opponent, but rather the cold-hearted wench known as Mother Nature. The gusts whipping across the Naperville Polo Grounds had picked up substantially, and while Ghetto was clearly the far superior Ultimate team on the field, the wind would prove to be a great equalizer, forcing Ghetto into a close contest. As in the first game, an upwind break gave Ghetto the lead early on. With Valpo’s defense having their hands more than full with Jeff “quack honk” Geise and Butters cutting on the inside, freshman Marky Mark Fedorenko was extremely opportunistic cutting from the outside. M-Fed tore up the Valpo D like the highway tears up an orange dropped from a car at 60-mph. The game was most memorable for a point that may or may not have been the longest point ever played in Ghetto Force’s great history. Eyewitness accounts claim that the point lasted roughly the average gestation period of an African elephant (look it up). The point included obscene amounts of turnovers, sloppy drops by nearly everyone on the field, Jonesy getting punched in the face, and many other bizarre mishaps. It all ended when Valpo finally was able to score a heavily downwind goal, but this would prove to be inconsequential. The length of the point combined with Valpo’s complete and utter helplessness against Ghetto’s zone D led to a 9 – 6 victory for Ghetto in hard cap.

DAYTON 12, St. OLAF 7:

Ghetto’s final pool play game of the day was to be against what appeared to be a crop of die-hard Duke’s of Hazzard fanatics, judging from their Confederate flag adorned uniforms. The top seed in Ghetto’s pool (St. Olaf) looked to be formidable early on, but in the end the south would not rise again. Not intimidated by Shamu tattoos or absurd spiral haircuts, Ghetto Force went to work on yet another upwind break to start the game. Once again Ghetto’s zone-D, like Ulysses S. Grant’s Army of the Potomac, was a great force to be reckoned with. At one point mid-game, the rebels appeared to have devised an effective strategy of very short, up field dump passes between handlers as a means by which to advance the disc. Upon realization of this meager attempt at offense, Patrick “Peaches” Kaufmann decided to end St.Olaf’s fun. With the power and conviction of a true yankee, Peaches smacked down a would be forward dump pass with such power that several opponents began whimpering in fear. Needless to say, the strategy would not be attempted again. Overall, St. Olaf was forced to endure their own version of Gettysburg at the hands of Ghetto Force, and Ghetto took the battle 12 – 7 in hard cap.

DAYTON 13, MISSOURI St. 4:

The Force had but one more victory to obtain in order to earn their way into the championship bracket. The next item on the menu for Ghetto Force; Missouri St. (Different from Missouri S&T, confusing I know). Ghetto was expecting a formidable opponent, as Missouri St. had come from a “power” pool. However, the cross over would prove to be Ghetto’s easiest challenge of the day. Ghetto rolled in a game highlighted by stifling zone D, the ever present Phil to Scottie huck on for a score on the first throw, and a disgusting layout grab by Butters for the winning score on a huck from Peg (The debate as to whether Peg was even looking up field when he released said huck still rages on). Needless to say, Ghetto rolled to their fourth and final victory of the day easily, taking the cross over 13 – 4.

With a spotless day 1 in the books, Ghetto returned to their respective houses to feast, and (at Dorn’s house anyway) receive 5-star quality professional massages. Ghetto went to bed Saturday night with thoughts of further domination filing their sweet sweet dreams.